28 May 2015 @ 07:30 pm
Thank you and welcome to you all  
I would just like to say to you bastards members both new and ancient old a sincere fuck thank you for the stupid, inconsiderate and downright deplorable manner in which the recent and early catastrophes debates and self-congratulatory masturbatory soliloquies discussions in the House have been conducted.

After an initial display of arrogant ignorance and entirely misplaced self-importance bump, it is good to know that the Scottish invasion forces are far more bark than bite we are once again doing as I say on the same page and working together effectively as it should be since I am in fact the sodding Speaker.

Are we going to able to continue this tense and unpleasant amicable exchange of pompous bullshit discourse uninterrupted? I am enough of a cynic realist to accept that that will not be the case, but it is my misplaced sincere hope that the majority of the interactions which take place within the Chamber can be not a complete waste of my time fruitful and cooperative. Any assistance that honourable and right honourable members can provide by doing exactly as I say and not behaving like jumped-up school children on their first night away from home to this end would be expected greatly appreciated by not just myself but, I am sure, by members throughout the whole house.

Fuck the lot of you.
 
 
 
 
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Chris Bryant[personal profile] chrisbrilliant on May 31st, 2015 04:16 pm (UTC)
Why, Mr Speaker!

A naif reader might think you'd somehow taken against our charming new Scottish colleagues, with their ever-so-edgy penchant for clapping and making 83-year-old men climb stairs.
bamfbercow: Hmmmmm[personal profile] bamfbercow on May 31st, 2015 04:37 pm (UTC)
You might believe that such a conclusion could be reached, but alas I couldn't possibly comment on the accuracy of such an interpretation.
Chris Bryant: Trollololololol[personal profile] chrisbrilliant on May 31st, 2015 07:22 pm (UTC)
Of course I know that such a bias would be absolutely impossible, but your tone might lead to some confusion for those less familiar with your consummate professionalism.

Speaking of professional ethics, is it wrong to cast an itching spell on the tartan benches while the interim deputy speakers are sitting and have no power to detect it? This is a purely hypothetical question, you understand.
bamfbercow: Oh really?[personal profile] bamfbercow on May 31st, 2015 07:47 pm (UTC)
I am still permitted to hold opinions provided I do not express them in such a way that they interfere with my conduct in my role as Speaker. I would hardly begin to think that you might suggest that I have been anything other than entirely impartial and fair in my treatment of members of the House, Scottish or otherwise.

I am sure that with your extensive knowledge of Erskine May you would be able to find a hypothetical answer to your hypothetical question quite easily... provided your interpretation coincides with that of the clerks and sitting Speaker, of course...
Chris Bryant: LULZ[personal profile] chrisbrilliant on May 31st, 2015 09:06 pm (UTC)
I felt you were far too kind to them, to be honest.

It might not coincide. Actually I rather think it doesn't...
bamfbercow: Trying not to laugh[personal profile] bamfbercow on June 1st, 2015 07:18 am (UTC)
You do happen to hold the general opinion that I am far too kind to all political parties who are not Labour.

When have you ever let that stop you?
Chris Bryant: Glee[personal profile] chrisbrilliant on June 1st, 2015 02:20 pm (UTC)
It's a sign of your unbiased chairing, Mr Speaker! Thank you for granting me that Urgent Question, by the way. You've been very generous.

If I didn't know better I might almost interpret that as tacit permission.
bamfbercow: Happy[personal profile] bamfbercow on June 1st, 2015 02:51 pm (UTC)
Your question was pertinent, timely and something which I am sure the general population of the country would like an answer to. The fact that it bears a more than passing resemblance to an Urgent Question I permitted on Thursday is merely coincidental.

Well then it is lucky for the SNP that you do know better, is it not?
Chris Bryant: Looking Hard[personal profile] chrisbrilliant on June 1st, 2015 04:01 pm (UTC)
I have to warn you, if Salmond makes another speech like the one he made today he may force my hand...