bamfbercow
10 April 2013 @ 04:37 pm
My thoughts on the recent news.

Thus far the conduct of those in the chamber has been sufficiently respectful, while at the same time expressing their deeply held views on such a divisive premier. The courtesy from those who were the Baroness's biggest critics in the chamber have been a credit to the House, to Parliament in total and the nation in general.

I am sure all our thoughts are with her family and friends in this difficult time.

...Damnit, who spoke to the press?

*John sobs into his tea and opens another packet of biscuits.*
 
 
 
 
bamfbercow
08 January 2013 @ 07:53 pm
*John groggily wakes up. He tries to open his eyes but the light hurts so he snaps them shut. It takes him a good ten minutes just to be able to half open one and check his surroundings. Judging by the gold and green he can see out of the corner of his eye, he’s in his living room. On the sofa. The thing weighing him down would indicate a heavy blanket of some sort.*

Uurrgg...

*He closes his eyes and tries to work out what happened the previous evening. The children had gone off to a friend’s house for a New Year’s sleepover so Sally had suggested a nice quiet adult evening in for the two of them. Naturally, that wasn’t what happened, and after Peter’s (eventual) arrival, the alcohol flowed rather more freely than planned. He can’t remember much after the fourth bottle was opened and he’s only a little better on what went before that point.*

*John drags himself into a sitting position and tries to summon a memory or two. Sally has suggested a game of Scrabble, a notion Peter quickly and firmly squashed. There had been an argument over music, as their usually was. John also remembers calling someone a “stupid curly haired anaemic vampire” and even hungover he knows who the description was aimed at. He groans again, and forces himself (past the empty bottles and stained glasses) to the kitchen to get a pint of water and some hangover cure potion.*

*There’s a nagging feeling at the back of his mind that he did something really wrong last night – a quiet dread that builds as his senses come back to him. He can’t quite work it out, but slowly an image forms in his mind. It’s Peter’s face. Looking, presumably, at John. And he’s… shocked? Horrified?*

Oh for Merlin’s sake…

*It takes a while but eventually John’s able to find his phone.*


Text from 078## ######

Peter,

I have a feeling I need to apologise to you, but for what I am not entirely sure.

Sorry.

-John


*Text sent, John slumps down into a chair and attempts to will his headache away.*
 
 
 
 
bamfbercow
02 December 2012 @ 11:22 am
*With Sally back on twitter John thinks it can only be a matter of time before they have to downsize again to pay for legal fees. He hopes her return with distract from the blasted Private Eye parody account but doesn't hold out much hope. Instead, he focuses on flicking through the property pages of the newspapers in an attempt to find a new, cheaper home, should they need it.*

*A large box of Roses chocolates is empty on the table next to him, the colourful wrappers strewn all over the floor. John reaches for the new box of Celebrations as he turns the page.*
 
 
bamfbercow
05 November 2012 @ 08:42 am
*It's 7 am and John is already awake, making breakfast. After an evening of thinking up pranks - and enlisting the children to help with ideas - John had settled on a simple, yet irritating one to begin with. Nothing as horrific as what Peter had done, of course (he wasn't that mean) but enough to let the other man know the war had started. It had also required the children's help to prepare and execute his plan.*

*John poured the boiling water over the teabag in the mug and smirked. Peter should be waking up soon, and then he'll discover that he's not the only one who can come up with a prank.*
 
 
bamfbercow
19 October 2012 @ 09:29 am
*John flicks through the papers downstairs while he tries to drink his coffee.*

*Damn the Telegraph all the way to Hades! he thinks. That is not and has never been my intention...*

*He rubs his eyes.*

*The story doesn't seem to be going to far at the moment - and no one bar a few unconnected users on Twitter are calling for his resignation, according to Sally - but... it's expenses. It's the whole reason he got the job in the first place! If there's one issue above all he has to seen to be perfectly clear on, it's this.*

*He takes another sip of his drink.*

*He was only doing what he thought was right - the original Ipsa report included information that could have resulted in the general public discovering the home addresses of Members of Parliament, something which is illegal. He sent a request to Ipsa to have that very specific information redacted, not to have the whole report pulled! And now he's the one being named with expenses fiddling and a cover up when he'd done nothing wrong.*

*John sighs. There's only one thing for it...*

*He refolds the papers, picks up a bunch of painkillers and leaves his coffee on the side to head down to Peter's cell. He places The Telegraph on Peter's bed, the page with his name, expenses and broken promises open on Peter's lap.*

I need your help, Peter.
 
 
bamfbercow
12 October 2012 @ 03:37 pm
*It's the charity swim tomorrow and as much as John tries to relax, he can't. With over £2500 of donations on his webpage already, he can't afford to mess this up. He contemplates going to another swim, getting in some last minute training, but decides against it; all the advice he has been given and actively sought out told him that would be the worst thing for him to do today.*

*John sighs. A healthy does of pasta and vegetables for dinner followed by an early night and then he would be ready. He just had to make it through the rest of today, preferably relaxing.*

*He thinks that, perhaps, his relaxing will be aided when Vince arrives. The other man is usually a calming and reassuring presence, and John hopes today will be no different. Midway through the conversation, however, Vince compliments Peter on his research and suggestions for alterations to the cure potion, a few of which Vince hadn't caught when doing him own assessment. John, confused, asked for more details. He discovers that the day before, Vince had received a number of pages from Peter suggesting better ways to achieve some of the potion's outcomes - something that, evidently, had taken Peter a great deal of researching to conclude.*

*Distracted for the rest of the conversation, John eventually says goodbye to Vince.*

*How in Merlin's name had Peter been able to do all that research? It was a question that needed answering and so John made his way to Peter's cell once more.*
 
 
 
 
bamfbercow
01 January 2012 @ 02:40 pm
*Crawls out from under a pile of sofa cushions that have been thrown across the room*
*Takes party hat from last night off head*
*Looks around at all the destruction - burst balloons, party poppers and paper chains hang from every surface*

Urrrggghhhhhhh...

*Drags self up and through to the kitchen to get a glass of water and painkillers*
*Tries not to vomit as the smell of last night's alcohol and attempts at drunk cooking reach nose*


Hhhhgmmm....

*Leans head on hands and tries to remember what happened last night*
*Bits and pieces of previous night slowly return to memory*

...Peter.
 
 
bamfbercow
22 November 2011 @ 07:56 pm
 
*Comes back downstairs from putting children to bed*
*Logs onto computer*
*Checks Sally's Twitter feed*

...

*Heads off to kitchen to get self a glass of wine*
 
 
bamfbercow
22 October 2011 @ 07:58 pm
My personal feelings have absolutely nothing to do with this and, as per usual, I will do what is in the interest of Parliament and the nation as a whole.

Be that as it may, certain other rumours are true to an extent, yet I will not have anything to do with them.

Why, Sally? Why?!?!?
 
 
bamfbercow
12 August 2011 @ 07:36 pm
I will be going into hiding back on holiday for a while.

Why, Sally? Why?
 
 
bamfbercow
11 April 2011 @ 07:00 am
From today's Independent:

"[The book] is, reportedly, "a Jilly Cooper-style romp", with characters including unscrupulous MPs, grasping political wives, bothersome hacks and an "all-powerful" Downing Street spin chief."

Good Lord, could it be any more obvious? I just hope the characters aren't called something as equally transparent, such as "Alistair Campble" or "Quenton Lotts"...
 
 
bamfbercow
08 April 2011 @ 05:48 pm
I was perfectly aware that Sally was in the process of writing a book, but... but... that's what it's about?! It's little wonder she wouldn't let me read it. Westminster Spouses, well I mean really Sally. I know the phrase is "write about what you know" but honestly, couldn't you use just a small amount of creativity and write about anything other than Westminster?

Please, please let the fact that Crick got the identity of the cloth covering her modesty wrong be a sign that the rest of the article is just as false.
 
 
 
bamfbercow
01 April 2011 @ 10:15 am
Peter, is this really your best attempt at an April Fool's joke, or did you just get drunk and try to prank call the office again, hmm?

Very poor show indeed.

Oh, and according to Quentin Letts in The Mail, I'm the third most annoying MP, thank you, with Mr Balls and Ms Cooper occupying the top two places.
 
 
Current Mood: amused
 
 
bamfbercow
31 March 2011 @ 09:35 pm
I have been a bit odd lately - being happy and acting in a competant manner and so on - and Sally has managed to stay out of the spotlight recently - that successfully small interview, refusing to publicly comment on the book - maybe I should get her a gift...

Oh, maybe I could get an Eddy Stobart lorry named after her, I know she'd like that...

5 year waiting list, hmm?

Well, I suppose I could put her name down on the li-

...She wants one as a memorial?

A little unconventional, but I suppose we could always put it in the wi-

...And the suggestion results in crude innuendo. Marvellous.
Flowers it is, in that case.
 
 
 
bamfbercow
23 March 2011 @ 02:09 pm
The book has turned up. Time to go through the blasted thing and correct all that's wrong with it, I think.
 
 
bamfbercow
21 March 2011 @ 07:14 am
Well  
At least the second extract isn't quite so bad.