bamfbercow: (Hidden smirkishness)
2016-02-03 07:52 pm

An extension of personal thanks

I would like to take this opportunity to an extend a very gracious "thank you" to the honourable members for Corby, Wellingborough, and Shipley for assuring my that my farrago of sartorial missteps were not as lurid as they might otherwise have been. For such a magnificent feat the honourable gentlemen have earned my undying gratitude. I look forward to the almost inevitable eventuality of the gentlemen's opponents attempting to go one better.
bamfbercow: (Hmmmmm)
2015-12-13 04:25 pm

On recent speculation

 Despite rumours to the contrary, I think it is important for honourable and right honourable members to note that I currently do not have any plans to announce an "early retirement", thank you so very much. When the time is right, an announcement about the Speakership will be made in the usual way, through the usual channels, and attempting jockeying for position in an election that hasn't yet been announced is entirely superfluous.
bamfbercow: (posing)
2015-09-14 06:52 pm

TUC Annual Congree

For those unfortunate enough to have missed what is a first in British history - a sitting Speaker of the House of Commons addressing the TUC annual congress - some very organised soul has put up a video of my speech, should anyone wish to see what exactly it is they may have unintentionally missed out on.

While of course it would be entirely improper for me to make any political point regarding the recent internal Labour party elections and subsequent reshuffle, I think I am safe in saying that it will be a delight to see both the new and returning faces on the frontbench once more.
bamfbercow: (posing)
2015-08-27 08:17 am

(no subject)

 For those unfortunate enough to miss my interview for at the Edinburgh Festival, the University of Edinburgh Business School have very helpfully provided a recording of it free of charge should anyone be curious as to what was said at the event.
bamfbercow: (Hidden smirkishness)
2015-08-03 06:28 pm

147th Trade Unions' Congress

As I am sure many of you are already aware by now, I have agreed to become the first Speaker of the House of Commons to address the Trade Unions' Congress in Brighton next month at the 147th annual meeting of the unions. I will be following in the steps of the Bank of England Governor Mark Carney and a cornucopia of other distinguished guests in speaking at the event.

I am certain, should anyone be unfortunate enough to happen to miss this historic occasion, that copies of the speech will be available in a plethora of formats shortly after it has taken place.

For those others, I look forward to seeing you at Congress.
bamfbercow: (Hidden smirkishness)
2015-07-06 06:20 pm

Emergency Debate


FROM:John Bercow <BERCOWJ@parliament.uk>
TO:Members of the House of Commons;
CC:Staff of the House of Commons; Parliamentary Staff;
BCC: 
SUBJECT:Emergency Debate










Dear colleagues,

I am almost certain that honourable and right honourable members have been made aware of the changes to tomorrow's scheduling, but just in case anyone was missed out, I thought it prudent to alert the whole House to the recent update:

There is to be an emergency three hour debate on the proposed changes to standing orders, colloquially known as "English Votes for English Laws" or "EVEL". This debate has been granted as a response to Alistair Carmichael's application on the subject and the subsequent show of support for the motion that the House expressed. I do hope that all interested parties are now able to fully express and debate the wishes and concerns of their constituents on the matter.

If any member has an issue with regards to the emergency debate that they would like to be seen to, please do not hesitate to get in contact with Speaker's Office.

Sincerely,

John Bercow
Speaker of the House of Commons

----------------------------
John Bercow MP
House of Commons
Westminster
London
SW1A 0AA
020 7219 6346

bamfbercow: (Oh really?)
2015-07-02 03:03 pm

Regarding the most recent proposals to change standing orders

While of course I am well aware of the government's reforming zeal when it comes to standing orders, and without of course wishing to offer a personal or political viewpoint on the recent proposals, it does strike one as slighting interesting to note the change in the way the role of the Speaker has been viewed under this Prime Minister. If these proposals should pass, it is my understanding that myself as well as my successors would undoubtedly do what is in the best interest of the House within the regulations, whatever those regulations may ultimately be.

And while of course I would not wish to put forward an opinion on the substance of the motion before the House, I would just like to say that it is very heartening indeed to see so many honourable and right honourable members so enthused and passionate about procedural matters and issues.
bamfbercow: (Not impressed)
2015-05-28 07:30 pm

Thank you and welcome to you all

I would just like to say to you bastards members both new and ancient old a sincere fuck thank you for the stupid, inconsiderate and downright deplorable manner in which the recent and early catastrophes debates and self-congratulatory masturbatory soliloquies discussions in the House have been conducted.

After an initial display of arrogant ignorance and entirely misplaced self-importance bump, it is good to know that the Scottish invasion forces are far more bark than bite we are once again doing as I say on the same page and working together effectively as it should be since I am in fact the sodding Speaker.

Are we going to able to continue this tense and unpleasant amicable exchange of pompous bullshit discourse uninterrupted? I am enough of a cynic realist to accept that that will not be the case, but it is my misplaced sincere hope that the majority of the interactions which take place within the Chamber can be not a complete waste of my time fruitful and cooperative. Any assistance that honourable and right honourable members can provide by doing exactly as I say and not behaving like jumped-up school children on their first night away from home to this end would be expected greatly appreciated by not just myself but, I am sure, by members throughout the whole house.

Fuck the lot of you.
bamfbercow: (posing)
2015-05-18 03:11 pm

The Speakership


FROM:John Bercow <BERCOWJ@parliament.uk>
TO:Members of the House of Commons;
CC:Staff of the House of Commons; Parliamentary Staff;
BCC: 
SUBJECT:The Speakership










Dear colleagues,

I would just like to take this opportunity to extend a thank you to all those Honourable and Right Honourable Members who today helped express the will of the House during the election for the Speakership. I would also like to welcome all new members to the House and look forward to working constructively with all of you in the near future.

Sincerely,

John Bercow
Speaker of the House of Commons

----------------------------
John Bercow MP
House of Commons
Westminster
London
SW1A 0AA
020 7219 6346
bamfbercow: (huh?)
2015-03-27 07:12 pm

East of the Brandywine river and the Far Downs

*It's evening by the time John gets to look at his paperwork. After the hectic business of the final day of parliament, the drive to Buckingham and rushing between constituency meetings seems serene in comparison. John had bundled a stack of papers into bright blue carrier bags and thrown them on the back seat before he'd kissed Sally goodbye. The children were still asleep when he had left but he'd see them later in the week.*

*He had gone to the car in his slippers and moth-eaten jumper and nodded politely at the neighbours as he fumbled in the back for his luggage. He returned to the living room with the papers, Radio 3 playing something inoffensive and unmemorable.*

*It was a good half an hour until he saw an envelope hidden among the drafts of election material and out of date order papers. John recognised the handwriting and frowned in confusion. Why was Peter sending him a letter?*

*Ever cautious, John takes the unopened letter through to the kitchen and draws out a protective circle in salt on the counter top. He places the envelope in the centre and carefully opens it.*

*No demons escape. He can't see any hexes springing forth. There doesn't seem to be any potion leaking onto the side. John opens the envelope wider and takes a look inside it.*

*There is a card. Just a card. John pulls it out of the envelope to examine it.*

*YOU ARE TOTALLY SCREWED the card reads. John rolls his eyes and opens it anyway.*

*He is taken aback at the contents. In addition to the printed message, the other man has scrawled "Try not to embarrass yourself - Peter" in one of the hidden folds.*

*John suddenly feels bad for removing Peter's thumbs.*

*He tidies up the kitchen and goes back to the living room, the radio forgotten. It takes him a while but eventually he composes a reply.*

Text from 078## ######

Peter,

Have just found your note. Thank you. In Buckingham. Reference should you need it.

-John
bamfbercow: (Default)
2015-03-26 06:18 pm

(no subject)

*John closed the heavy wooden door of Speaker's House behind him and headed straight for the whisky. Speaker's whisky, reminded himself, because he's still Speaker, despite the best efforts of the government.

How he'd managed to make it through the vote and reading out the results without hexing the entire government front bench into a collection of small rodents and toads he'd yet to work out, but he had. He'd kept his cool and he was still here. He was still Speaker.

Tomorrow he'd have to go to his constituency - with the election less than two months away every moment had to count - but for tonight, just for a while, he could afford to sit and try to relax. There was nothing the bastards could to him tonight.

John collapsed into one of the overstuffed armchairs (Speaker's armchairs) and took a long sip from his drink.*
bamfbercow: (Default)
2014-06-14 07:54 am

Congratulations Dawn!

What for, I hear many of you ask? For her entry in the Birthday Honours list. Our dear Dawn is to be made Dame Primarolo! Well done and congratulations.

I also wish to extend congratulations to Bill Cash and to Nicholas Soames, both of whom are to become knights. Well deserved all round.
bamfbercow: (Trying not to laugh)
2014-05-01 08:56 am

Goodbye, Sir Robert

I am sure I speak for the whole House when I wish Sir Robert all the best in his new life away from Parliament. Having spent 42 years working for the House, 10 of those being as a clerk, it is clear that a well deserved rest is in order. It has been an honour and a privilege to work alongside you for many years. Good luck, Sir Robert; you shall be missed.

For those who missed my splendid rendition of it in the House earlier, Sir Robert's resignation letter can be found here.



bamfbercow: (Not impressed)
2014-04-10 07:19 pm

In recent news...

I am sure that everyone has seen the news by now. If not, I will direct you in this location.

I hope all honourable and right honourable members will treat Nigel with the respect he deserves.

Please ignore the donations scandal behind the curtain...
bamfbercow: (huh?)
2014-02-05 09:21 am

(no subject)

*Another day and another slew of "news stories" about his marriage to Sally. John really shouldn't be surprised by it now, but he is - how difficult is it for the media at large to understand that his marriage to Sally is of note only to himself and to Sally; whatever works for us is for us and us alone to worry about. Why is that so difficult for them to grasp? And while not all the stories are negative, it does not change the very simple fact that the state of his marriage is not - or at the very least, should not - be worthy of being splashed across newspaper front page after newspaper front page.*

*After he'd returned from having curry with Ken Clarke and Sally had finished her twitter spat with Owen Jones the previous evening, Sally had sat him down and shown him some of the positive comments made about him on twitter. He'd been particularly fond of Louise Mensch's comments and retelling of a certain Autumn Statement incident. He couldn't help but beam with pride at Zac Goldsmith's remark, as well as all the follow up comments in agreement.*

*All that was left for him to do now was to try and remember those words of encouragement rather than red-top headlines when the almost inevitable jibes at Prime Minister's Questions this afternoon...*


bamfbercow: (Strike a pose)
2013-10-16 01:23 pm

SUBJECT: The First Deputy Chairman of Ways and Means


FROM:John Bercow <BERCOWJ@parliament.uk>
TO:Members of the House of Commons;
CC:Staff of the House of Commons; Parliamentary Staff;
BCC: 
SUBJECT:The First Deputy Chairman of Ways and Means










Dear colleagues,

While I am sure that you are all aware by now, the election for the position of the First Deputy Chairman of Ways and Means has now been concluded. Of the seven honourable members from the Conservative benches that put themselves forward for consideration, the successful candidate was the Honourable Member for Epping Forest, Eleanor Laing MP. It goes without saying that I hope all honourable and right honourable members treat Mrs Laing with the respect she deserves. We in the Speaker's office look forward to working with her.

Commiserations to the unsuccessful participants in the election.

Sincerely,

John Bercow
Speaker of the House of Commons

----------------------------
John Bercow MP
House of Commons
Westminster
London
SW1A 0AA
020 7219 6346

bamfbercow: (posing)
2013-08-15 06:00 pm

Important news

I am aware that this story is a few days old but I wished to bring the decision to everyone's attention as it related to House business.

I have halted the trial of the additional camera set up as it is too costly and impinges on the ability of members to work in the chamber.
bamfbercow: (Hidden smirkishness)
2013-08-11 07:37 pm

Back in London

Home at last after a very successful Parliamentary global outreach tour. I know that it has caused some controversy but I am confident that it has helped improve relations between Parliaments and people across the world.

On a side note, these rumours that I intend to stand aside for Mayor Johnson midway through the next Parliament so he can cause a leadership election in the Conservative Party, forcing the Prime Minister and the Chancellor out of their roles are totally unfounded. It is entirely for the Conservative Association of Buckingham to decide whomsoever they wish to select to fight for the Conservative Party at the by-election in 2017/18.
bamfbercow: (posing)
2013-07-18 06:32 pm

A Multitude of Miscellaneous Musings

With regard to the kind soul who left their carnation on the Chair's arm for me after the consideration of Lords amendments to the Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Bill, I would just like to say a short thank you for your kindness; it was greatly appreciated, whomsoever you are.

Secondly, I would like to ensure that all honourable and right honourable members of both houses are aware of the fact that the aforementioned bill has since gained Royal Assent and become law. I am certain I speak for all members of Her Majesty's legislature when I say that we are grateful for her speedy action of what has proven to be a somewhat surprisingly contentious issue. Perhaps now that hurdle has been passed, I should turn my attention to W.A.S.P.S and their aims once more...

On a personal note, Sir Robert your charming comments in your recent interview did not go unnoticed.

I think that is all for now. If I don't have the pleasure of seeing my dear colleagues during the summer recess, I look forward to our eventual meeting again on September 2nd.
bamfbercow: (Happy)
2013-06-22 06:01 pm

Happy fourth anniversary to me!

Four years in the Speaker's chair today! Oh goodness me how time flies when one is having such fun.

Here's to a good few more at the very least.

*Knocks back a glass of expensive wine to celebrate*