26 December 2012 @ 09:56 am
*John and Sally are fast asleep, John snoring slightly. In her sleep Sally reaches out to nudge John and murmurs to indicate that he should probably roll over or get hit in the face with a pillow until he stops snoring. Ten years of marriage has taught John well and he quickly shifts his sleeping position until he is situated on his other side. Just as he settles down to go back to sleep the bedroom door bursts open and three children jump onto the bed. Freddie is yelling “He’s been! He’s been!” at the top of his voice, while Oliver is explaining all about the special present Father Christmas (actually John) left at the end of his bed. Jemima, meanwhile, is demanding to know when they can open the rest of the gifts.*

*It takes a while, but eventually the Bercow family are situated in the living room, Sally clutching a rather large mug of coffee and John already on his second cup of tea. Freddie and Oliver are distributing the presents to their owners with a pile by one end of the sofa for Peter. Jemima watches, making sure they don’t “accidentally” take one of her presents.*

*The presents are distributed by 7 o’clock. Slightly more awake, Sally and John manage to distract the children for another half an hour with various Christmas-related issues but by 7.30 they can put the inevitable off no longer. John picks up the phone and calls Peter.*
15 November 2012 @ 05:44 pm
*John and the children are on their way to see Peter and The Machine. With Sally busy talking to her lawyer, it seemed like a good idea to get out of the house and let her sort things out by herself. With a letter due soon, the more preparation, the better. John would offer to help, but he's spending most of his free time trying to convince large swathes of the media and population that he's not "a bully" who is "interfering" and "forcing people out" at all.*

*With all that happening at home, a nice little trip to see The Machine would hopefully distract the children and tire them out so John and Sally can get back to saving their reputations - and jobs.*

*Peter is waiting for them when they arrive. Freddie, as usual, run to greet Uncle Peter, while Oliver attempts to act cool. Jemima, meanwhile, seems to be fascinated with some part or other of The Machine and John has to carry her away from the buttons.*

Hello, Peter.
17 February 2012 @ 10:00 am

*Surrounded by packets of Jaffa Cakes and half-empty mugs of tea, Bercow - clad in a pink bathrobe with tea stains down the front - snores loudly, a red envelope with the word "Sally" written across it clutched in his hand*
*Bercow murmurs in his sleep and begins to turn restlessly until he sits bolt upright, fully awake*


*He looks around the room, but Sally isn't there - in Wales with the children visiting Paddy, he remembers. John falls back onto the bed and realises he's still holding the Valentine's Day card he didn't get to give his wife before he flew off to give speeches.*
*John picks up his phone and checks through Sally's Twitter feed then goes to put the kettle on. Without thinking, he slips the card into the pocket of his dressing gown and heads off to the kitchen area of the hotel room to make another pot.*

I do believe I have just about managed to persuade my son that his own throne is more than adequate for conducting his birthday business and does not need to sit in the chair of the House. He did look rather sweet with a blanket wrapped around him pretending it was a robe, though, I must say. He also seemed to enjoy his presents and after a busy day in the chamber I can look forward to jelly and ice-cream covered children running about the place as I attempt constituency work.
05 September 2011 @ 09:22 am

My wife is parading round on a television show despite my best efforts, and given that it's the first day back I need you to look after the children. Oh, and by the way, Freddie's turned into a fox and is hiding under the car.

20 August 2011 @ 05:10 pm
(Befuddle Invisible Sugar Changing Unwanted Interventionist Trick)

Method One: Chopsticks
Result: Far too tricky and biscuit-to-rice cake transmogrification very likely given tendency to drop biscuits and automatically try and stop it falling on the floor. Method unsuitable.

Method Two: Fork
Result: Easier than chopsticks but large pieces of biscuit result in rice cake. Small pieces too tricky to pick up and attempts to pierce biscuits with fork produce crumbs. Method unsuitable.

Method Three: Cereal
Result: Magic not fooled by presence of bowl and milk. A bowl full of soggy rice cakes is not biscuits. Method unsuitable.

Method Four: Sharing with children and tricking them into feeding me biscuits
Result: Jemima ate all the biscuits. Method unsuitable.

Method Five: Levitation

Result: Large pieces lead to rice cakes but once broken into small pieces with the rolling pin the problem is resolved. Method suitable.
Current Mood: satisfied
05 August 2011 @ 09:09 am
As those of you that follow my wife on the Twitter-sphere-thing will no doubt be aware by now, the family and I are taking a short break in Devon this year. As such, I will be unable to be contacted until further notice. If anything of importance arises in my absence, feel free to leave a message and I will be sure to get back to you in as short a time as possible.

I would just like it noted that certain rumours about my wife and a particular television show or comments that she is giving 'serious' thought to such suggestions will not be classed as important and as such will not receive a timely reply.
27 June 2011 @ 08:45 pm
S-Sally, I don't think Oliver spilling his dinner quite warranted that level of-

No, no, no, no, no! I-I'm sure giving up smoking is very difficult indeed, its merely that-

Of course it's got nothing to do with that! You were- were fine on Wall of Fame the other-

I-I mean, more than fine. Better. Better than fine. Good. Great! You were-

Of course not, Sally, you were quite clearly the most attractive-

Gah! Sally! P-put the cushion down and- and I'll take the children away for a few days so you can have some peace and quiet until you calm do-

No! You're being perfectly rational and-
Of course I don't want to stop the children seeing their teachers on strike! It's- it's -it's a v-vital part of-
I-I'm trying to help, my dear, just t-tell me what I have to do and-
ARGH! Very well! I'll clean it up! You go for coffee and-
...No, Freddie, everything is fine. Mummy's just tired. She'll be back nice and calm in a short while. How about making her a nice card in the meantime, hmm? ...Yes, I'm sure dinosaurs would be an appropriate theme. What about sticking some of those shells we picked up from the beach and cleaned the other day? Yes, yes, I'll get them for you - why don't you go and get your brother to help you, there's a good boy?
 Ah, come about 9 o'clock tonight it will be two years in the Speaker's chair, although I don't quite subscribe to Sally's view of my election victory - I think it was more than the impression 'wot won it', so to speak. I do rather like the badge though, but I fear it may not be deemed appropriate attire for the chamber.
Current Mood: nostalgic
18 May 2011 @ 10:29 pm
For once an instance where my ignorance plays in my favour, although I still don't understand why there have to be so many systems and how things can possibly "come up smaller" in different establishments when they're using an identical arrangement...

Added to that, Jemima appears to have forgotten about Peppa Pig World at last, although for how long remains to be seen. The biographer and his book were replaced on The Daily Politics rather swiftly this afternoon and there have been so many charity and constituency matters to attend to recently that I've been kept far too busy to be bored.

Things could certainly be a lot worse.
06 May 2011 @ 09:35 pm
Oh goodness, poor Oliver is still most upset. No matter what Freddie makes fly or all the sparks he shows him or offers of taking him on the broom, he's still won't cheer up, poor thing. Sally's putting a brave face on it, but poor Oliver... I suppose someone will be reading dinosaur themed bed time stories for quite a while.

On the other hand, Jemima won't stop giggling.
27 April 2011 @ 01:44 pm

I try and organise a nice evening out and you feel it pertinent to go and tell the world the identity of our babysitter? Why, Sally? Why?
10 April 2011 @ 01:42 pm
The usual pointless rubbish in The 'Mail and nothing to worry about in The Independent; with that and Sally campaigning in Glasgow for a few days, it appears that, at last, I can have a nice relaxing end to the week with the children. Magnificent!
18 March 2011 @ 08:20 am
The Mail is back to hating me, the boys are causing senseless destruction... it seems like everything is back to normal at last.
Current Mood: relieved
13 March 2011 @ 06:47 pm
I come back from taking Freddie out for his first lesson and what do I find? Jemima, surrounded by Oliver's toys and the contents of the doll house resembling some sort of Disney-themed horror film.

I'm just going to pretend it's Sally playing a joke and leave it at that.
12 March 2011 @ 05:21 pm
On the way back from buying Freddie his first broom (no matter how hard I tried, he still chose the 'Falcon over the 'Storm - children these days!) I saw this and, for some reason, thought of you.

Talk to you when you get back from wherever it is you've run off too.


P.S. While I couldn't possibly condone accidentally or 'accidentally' granting sentience to your creations, I have to say The Machine is far more polite than I dared hope it would be, given that it was made by you. J.
23 February 2011 @ 10:29 pm
You ask your other half to stop talking about underwear on the internet and suddenly you're the anti-Christ!

I swear Jemima's going to grow up thinking that men only ever sleep on sofas...