*Another day and another slew of "news stories" about his marriage to Sally. John really shouldn't be surprised by it now, but he is - how difficult is it for the media at large to understand that his marriage to Sally is of note only to himself and to Sally; whatever works for us is for us and us alone to worry about. Why is that so difficult for them to grasp? And while not all the stories are negative, it does not change the very simple fact that the state of his marriage is not - or at the very least, should not - be worthy of being splashed across newspaper front page after newspaper front page.*

*After he'd returned from having curry with Ken Clarke and Sally had finished her twitter spat with Owen Jones the previous evening, Sally had sat him down and shown him some of the positive comments made about him on twitter. He'd been particularly fond of Louise Mensch's comments and retelling of a certain Autumn Statement incident. He couldn't help but beam with pride at Zac Goldsmith's remark, as well as all the follow up comments in agreement.*

*All that was left for him to do now was to try and remember those words of encouragement rather than red-top headlines when the almost inevitable jibes at Prime Minister's Questions this afternoon...*

Is it too early to open the whiskey?

Oh for goodness...

Public discussion of ongoing police investigations can lead to libel cases.

I should know, I'm paying for one...

I trust all honourable and right honourable members will use their common sense in relation to communications connected to any aspect of current cases.

Sally is my wife not my chattel, appendage, or add-on!

If she does not wish to attend the funeral, she is at perfect liberty to decline the invitation. She is her own woman, makes her own decisions and they are not related to me in any way, shape or form.

The mere fact that I have to point this out yet again is proof that the media and politics as a whole still has a great deal to improve on when it comes to the way it portrays women.

*John and the children are on their way to see Peter and The Machine. With Sally busy talking to her lawyer, it seemed like a good idea to get out of the house and let her sort things out by herself. With a letter due soon, the more preparation, the better. John would offer to help, but he's spending most of his free time trying to convince large swathes of the media and population that he's not "a bully" who is "interfering" and "forcing people out" at all.*

*With all that happening at home, a nice little trip to see The Machine would hopefully distract the children and tire them out so John and Sally can get back to saving their reputations - and jobs.*

*Peter is waiting for them when they arrive. Freddie, as usual, run to greet Uncle Peter, while Oliver attempts to act cool. Jemima, meanwhile, seems to be fascinated with some part or other of The Machine and John has to carry her away from the buttons.*

Hello, Peter.

*John flicks through the papers downstairs while he tries to drink his coffee.*

*Damn the Telegraph all the way to Hades! he thinks. That is not and has never been my intention...*

*He rubs his eyes.*

*The story doesn't seem to be going to far at the moment - and no one bar a few unconnected users on Twitter are calling for his resignation, according to Sally - but... it's expenses. It's the whole reason he got the job in the first place! If there's one issue above all he has to seen to be perfectly clear on, it's this.*

*He takes another sip of his drink.*

*He was only doing what he thought was right - the original Ipsa report included information that could have resulted in the general public discovering the home addresses of Members of Parliament, something which is illegal. He sent a request to Ipsa to have that very specific information redacted, not to have the whole report pulled! And now he's the one being named with expenses fiddling and a cover up when he'd done nothing wrong.*

*John sighs. There's only one thing for it...*

*He refolds the papers, picks up a bunch of painkillers and leaves his coffee on the side to head down to Peter's cell. He places The Telegraph on Peter's bed, the page with his name, expenses and broken promises open on Peter's lap.*

I need your help, Peter.

The House will sit on Monday and Tuesday and then go into recess until Monday 3rd September 2012.

I discussed the summer recess as well as many other issues regarding Parliament and politics with Radio 1 earlier, for any and all that are interested in such matters.

In case any honourable or right honourable members are interested, my wife and I are taking part in Stonewall's Equality Walk in Brighton on May 6th to raise vital funds to tackle homophobic bullying in Britain’s schools. If you wish to donate, our JustGiving page is here.

Along similar lines, I am giving a lecture regarding international LGBT equality and human rights on the 16th of the same month for The Kaleidoscope Trust. Tickets are available here for any and all interested parties.

A few Tweets taken out of all possible context and proportion does not constitute a story, or at the very least it shouldn't; my wife and I are in total agreement on this point, I think you will find.

It's good to see that incorrect information in the media is being challenged by those it misrepresents.

I'm glad at least one person recognises the impact of my recent reforms.

Not a bad little article in the end - and it is most gratifying having the full transcript up too.

Another complete and utter non-story doing the rounds, but it is nice to be back at home.

I have been informed, since I quite obviously do not watch such shows myself, that my darling wife will be returning home shortly. While of course I respect her decision to go into the Big Brother house and hope she had a wonderful time, I will be pleased for us all to be back home together once again.

As those of you that follow my wife on the Twitter-sphere-thing will no doubt be aware by now, the family and I are taking a short break in Devon this year. As such, I will be unable to be contacted until further notice. If anything of importance arises in my absence, feel free to leave a message and I will be sure to get back to you in as short a time as possible.

I would just like it noted that certain rumours about my wife and a particular television show or comments that she is giving 'serious' thought to such suggestions will not be classed as important and as such will not receive a timely reply.

All in all I do believe it was a rather successful little interview.

While today in the chamber was of a higher standard than has been seen recently - well done indeed Mr Gove - what happened in the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee was totally unacceptable.

I do hope everyone is looking forward to the extra day tomorrow - I know my wife most certainly is given how well we get on when we're not spending time together. I would have made a statement about the extra day but it seemed to superfluous given comments made by the Prime Minister - for once he was right. On a completely unrelated note I do wish the Prime Minister the best of luck tomorrow given how busy he will be.

When, precisely, was I to be informed of this?!

This... this is some sort of joke isn't it?