*John flicks through the papers downstairs while he tries to drink his coffee.*

*Damn the Telegraph all the way to Hades! he thinks. That is not and has never been my intention...*

*He rubs his eyes.*

*The story doesn't seem to be going to far at the moment - and no one bar a few unconnected users on Twitter are calling for his resignation, according to Sally - but... it's expenses. It's the whole reason he got the job in the first place! If there's one issue above all he has to seen to be perfectly clear on, it's this.*

*He takes another sip of his drink.*

*He was only doing what he thought was right - the original Ipsa report included information that could have resulted in the general public discovering the home addresses of Members of Parliament, something which is illegal. He sent a request to Ipsa to have that very specific information redacted, not to have the whole report pulled! And now he's the one being named with expenses fiddling and a cover up when he'd done nothing wrong.*

*John sighs. There's only one thing for it...*

*He refolds the papers, picks up a bunch of painkillers and leaves his coffee on the side to head down to Peter's cell. He places The Telegraph on Peter's bed, the page with his name, expenses and broken promises open on Peter's lap.*

I need your help, Peter.

The House will sit on Monday and Tuesday and then go into recess until Monday 3rd September 2012.

I discussed the summer recess as well as many other issues regarding Parliament and politics with Radio 1 earlier, for any and all that are interested in such matters.

In case any honourable or right honourable members are interested, my wife and I are taking part in Stonewall's Equality Walk in Brighton on May 6th to raise vital funds to tackle homophobic bullying in Britain’s schools. If you wish to donate, our JustGiving page is here.

Along similar lines, I am giving a lecture regarding international LGBT equality and human rights on the 16th of the same month for The Kaleidoscope Trust. Tickets are available here for any and all interested parties.

A few Tweets taken out of all possible context and proportion does not constitute a story, or at the very least it shouldn't; my wife and I are in total agreement on this point, I think you will find.

It's good to see that incorrect information in the media is being challenged by those it misrepresents.

I'm glad at least one person recognises the impact of my recent reforms.

Not a bad little article in the end - and it is most gratifying having the full transcript up too.

Another complete and utter non-story doing the rounds, but it is nice to be back at home.

I have been informed, since I quite obviously do not watch such shows myself, that my darling wife will be returning home shortly. While of course I respect her decision to go into the Big Brother house and hope she had a wonderful time, I will be pleased for us all to be back home together once again.

As those of you that follow my wife on the Twitter-sphere-thing will no doubt be aware by now, the family and I are taking a short break in Devon this year. As such, I will be unable to be contacted until further notice. If anything of importance arises in my absence, feel free to leave a message and I will be sure to get back to you in as short a time as possible.

I would just like it noted that certain rumours about my wife and a particular television show or comments that she is giving 'serious' thought to such suggestions will not be classed as important and as such will not receive a timely reply.

All in all I do believe it was a rather successful little interview.

While today in the chamber was of a higher standard than has been seen recently - well done indeed Mr Gove - what happened in the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee was totally unacceptable.

I do hope everyone is looking forward to the extra day tomorrow - I know my wife most certainly is given how well we get on when we're not spending time together. I would have made a statement about the extra day but it seemed to superfluous given comments made by the Prime Minister - for once he was right. On a completely unrelated note I do wish the Prime Minister the best of luck tomorrow given how busy he will be.

When, precisely, was I to be informed of this?!

This... this is some sort of joke isn't it?

 Yes, Sally, I do remember Derek, but that's no reason for you to-

It was one piece in a publication I've only very recently described as a "sexist, racist, bigoted, co-

I'm more annoyed with the picture from the 2001 campaign to be perfectly frank, Sally, since I am sure that I asked for those to be-

 I've still yet to find what's wrong with calling that thing "a sexist, racist, bigoted, comic cartoon strip" but there we go...

It is utterly ridiculous; the council won't close off the road for a Royal Wedding street party! The local people want one, it would be a fantastic opportunity to bring the members of the community together and, above all, it would more than likely be an absolutely splendid time. They just don't seem to get it. Meldrew, damn it, I said Victor Meldrew; my accent isn't that difficult to understand!

In other news, it has emerged that Quentin Letts does not approve of the biography - hardly exciting or unexpected given the balanced view the book took overall. What is rather disconcerting, however, is the simple fact that he wishes to know what I wear at the weekends and is rather disappointed that such information isn't contained within the book's pages. Odd fellow, that Mr Letts.

And for crying out loud, those books do not promote magic, even if such a thing were possible! I'm sure Gove never had access to the works of JK Rowling as a small child, yet he still seems to think it is feasible that he one day will possess magic ability.

...No, Sally, I cannot 'get you a ticket to see Obama'; it is an official address to both Houses and try as hard as you might, you simply are not a Member of Parl-

What do you mean 'relegated to the sofa'?!

From today's Independent:


Good Lord, could it be any more obvious? I just hope the characters aren't called something as equally transparent, such as "Alistair Campble" or "Quenton Lotts"...

The usual pointless rubbish in The 'Mail and nothing to worry about in The Independent; with that and Sally campaigning in Glasgow for a few days, it appears that, at last, I can have a nice relaxing end to the week with the children. Magnificent!

This is exactly why information should not be released into the public domain until the figures have been finalised - it's a whole lot of bother about nothing which Quentin Letts will endeavour to use to make it appear as though his intense, irrational hatred of me is somehow based on fact. Ridiculous. Farcical. Preposterous.

And no, just to make this absolutely abundantly crystal clear, I most certainly will not be getting Twitter any time in the immediate future.

Peter, is this really your best attempt at an April Fool's joke, or did you just get drunk and try to prank call the office again, hmm?

Very poor show indeed.

Oh, and according to Quentin Letts in The Mail, I'm the third most annoying MP, thank you, with Mr Balls and Ms Cooper occupying the top two places.