*John drives the children to school and drops them off. The children can tell he isn't very happy and make sure to cuddle him extra hard when they get out of the card which only serves to make John feel even guiltier. He catches sight of a second-hand book shop across the road and has an idea.*

*John gets back in the car and drives to the part of London where the majority of the magical stores are located. He parks and rushes to an old bookshop he knows is full of very expensive, very old books. After a brief chat with the shop owner wherein John explains what he's trying to find, a very large, very old, very dusty potions book is brought out of an locked display case. John flicks through it - the illustrations are glorious and the book itself is in rather good condition for its ages, even if some of the leather hardback cover is broken and faded. John buys the book, inwardly wincing at the price but handing over the full amount as well as a tip for the shop owner for helping out to swiftly. John returns to the car, book in a large brown paper bag, and drives back to Westminster.*

*On the way back he stops at stationary shop nearby and picks up a card. When he arrives home, John writes what is for him a very succinct apology - making it clear that the apology comes from him in a personal capacity and not in his role as Speaker - and puts the card in the envelope. John then takes the book out of the bag and arranges the envelope on top of it.*

Hmmm... still not quite right... There's got to be something else I can...

*A thought strikes. John rushes downstairs to the parliamentary wine cellar. Having no idea which wine to pick, he scurries through the rows and rows of bottles to find the one that looks to be the most expensive. John picks one and returns to his living room. He rearranges his gift again until he is happy with the composition. Then John transports it to Peter's house, hoping he hasn't upped the wards to immediately incinerate anything with John's magical signature on it.*

(Befuddle Invisible Sugar Changing Unwanted Interventionist Trick)



Method One: Chopsticks
Result: Far too tricky and biscuit-to-rice cake transmogrification very likely given tendency to drop biscuits and automatically try and stop it falling on the floor. Method unsuitable.



Method Two: Fork
Result: Easier than chopsticks but large pieces of biscuit result in rice cake. Small pieces too tricky to pick up and attempts to pierce biscuits with fork produce crumbs. Method unsuitable.



Method Three: Cereal
Result: Magic not fooled by presence of bowl and milk. A bowl full of soggy rice cakes is not biscuits. Method unsuitable.



Method Four: Sharing with children and tricking them into feeding me biscuits
Result: Jemima ate all the biscuits. Method unsuitable.



Method Five: Levitation

Result: Large pieces lead to rice cakes but once broken into small pieces with the rolling pin the problem is resolved. Method suitable.

Peter, is this really your best attempt at an April Fool's joke, or did you just get drunk and try to prank call the office again, hmm?

Very poor show indeed.

Oh, and according to Quentin Letts in The Mail, I'm the third most annoying MP, thank you, with Mr Balls and Ms Cooper occupying the top two places.

On the way back from buying Freddie his first broom (no matter how hard I tried, he still chose the 'Falcon over the 'Storm - children these days!) I saw this and, for some reason, thought of you.

Talk to you when you get back from wherever it is you've run off too.

J.

P.S. While I couldn't possibly condone accidentally or 'accidentally' granting sentience to your creations, I have to say The Machine is far more polite than I dared hope it would be, given that it was made by you. J.