*John and Sally are fast asleep, John snoring slightly. In her sleep Sally reaches out to nudge John and murmurs to indicate that he should probably roll over or get hit in the face with a pillow until he stops snoring. Ten years of marriage has taught John well and he quickly shifts his sleeping position until he is situated on his other side. Just as he settles down to go back to sleep the bedroom door bursts open and three children jump onto the bed. Freddie is yelling “He’s been! He’s been!” at the top of his voice, while Oliver is explaining all about the special present Father Christmas (actually John) left at the end of his bed. Jemima, meanwhile, is demanding to know when they can open the rest of the gifts.*

*It takes a while, but eventually the Bercow family are situated in the living room, Sally clutching a rather large mug of coffee and John already on his second cup of tea. Freddie and Oliver are distributing the presents to their owners with a pile by one end of the sofa for Peter. Jemima watches, making sure they don’t “accidentally” take one of her presents.*

*The presents are distributed by 7 o’clock. Slightly more awake, Sally and John manage to distract the children for another half an hour with various Christmas-related issues but by 7.30 they can put the inevitable off no longer. John picks up the phone and calls Peter.*

*John and the children are on their way to see Peter and The Machine. With Sally busy talking to her lawyer, it seemed like a good idea to get out of the house and let her sort things out by herself. With a letter due soon, the more preparation, the better. John would offer to help, but he's spending most of his free time trying to convince large swathes of the media and population that he's not "a bully" who is "interfering" and "forcing people out" at all.*

*With all that happening at home, a nice little trip to see The Machine would hopefully distract the children and tire them out so John and Sally can get back to saving their reputations - and jobs.*

*Peter is waiting for them when they arrive. Freddie, as usual, run to greet Uncle Peter, while Oliver attempts to act cool. Jemima, meanwhile, seems to be fascinated with some part or other of The Machine and John has to carry her away from the buttons.*

Hello, Peter.

*John stumbles out of bed, Sally's sleepy moans of "coffeeeeeee" reminding him of his aim. She and the children had come back to London last night - thankfully, after the Viagra had worn off - and John and Sally had spent most of the night preparing for Freddie's birthday celebrations.*

*As he makes breakfast, he takes his phone off charge and texts Peter.*

Text from 078## ######

Peter,

Freddie's birthday today - we're having a little party later and I'm sure he'd love for you to visit about 5 pm.

Further to that, this week's episode of Question Time looks promising: Damian Green, Chuka Umunna, Shirley Williams, Jane Moore and Professor David Blanchflower.

See you later.

-John

*As soon as Bercow finishes in the chamber, he makes his way back to the flat, nodding at the relevant officials on his way*

Come on, John...

*John gets back to the flat and locates the brooms before the children arrive home. He puts the brooms against the wall, deflecting their questions and sorts out dinner. Once they have all eaten and talked about their day, John sends them to their rooms to sort out homework. John returns to the kitchen, washes up and puts the kettle on.*

Text from 078## ######

Peter,

Dinner is complete and the children sorted if you wish to engage in your first refreshers lesson.

-John

In case any honourable or right honourable members are interested, my wife and I are taking part in Stonewall's Equality Walk in Brighton on May 6th to raise vital funds to tackle homophobic bullying in Britain’s schools. If you wish to donate, our JustGiving page is here.

Along similar lines, I am giving a lecture regarding international LGBT equality and human rights on the 16th of the same month for The Kaleidoscope Trust. Tickets are available here for any and all interested parties.

Another complete and utter non-story doing the rounds, but it is nice to be back at home.

I do believe I have just about managed to persuade my son that his own throne is more than adequate for conducting his birthday business and does not need to sit in the chair of the House. He did look rather sweet with a blanket wrapped around him pretending it was a robe, though, I must say. He also seemed to enjoy his presents and after a busy day in the chamber I can look forward to jelly and ice-cream covered children running about the place as I attempt constituency work.

My personal feelings have absolutely nothing to do with this and, as per usual, I will do what is in the interest of Parliament and the nation as a whole.

Be that as it may, certain other rumours are true to an extent, yet I will not have anything to do with them.

Why, Sally? Why?!?!?

Peter,

My wife is parading round on a television show despite my best efforts, and given that it's the first day back I need you to look after the children. Oh, and by the way, Freddie's turned into a fox and is hiding under the car.

John

I have been informed, since I quite obviously do not watch such shows myself, that my darling wife will be returning home shortly. While of course I respect her decision to go into the Big Brother house and hope she had a wonderful time, I will be pleased for us all to be back home together once again.

As those of you that follow my wife on the Twitter-sphere-thing will no doubt be aware by now, the family and I are taking a short break in Devon this year. As such, I will be unable to be contacted until further notice. If anything of importance arises in my absence, feel free to leave a message and I will be sure to get back to you in as short a time as possible.

I would just like it noted that certain rumours about my wife and a particular television show or comments that she is giving 'serious' thought to such suggestions will not be classed as important and as such will not receive a timely reply.

S-Sally, I don't think Oliver spilling his dinner quite warranted that level of-

No, no, no, no, no! I-I'm sure giving up smoking is very difficult indeed, its merely that-

Of course it's got nothing to do with that! You were- were fine on Wall of Fame the other-

I-I mean, more than fine. Better. Better than fine. Good. Great! You were-

Of course not, Sally, you were quite clearly the most attractive-

Gah! Sally! P-put the cushion down and- and I'll take the children away for a few days so you can have some peace and quiet until you calm do-

No! You're being perfectly rational and-

 Ah, come about 9 o'clock tonight it will be two years in the Speaker's chair, although I don't quite subscribe to Sally's view of my election victory - I think it was more than the impression 'wot won it', so to speak. I do rather like the badge though, but I fear it may not be deemed appropriate attire for the chamber.

Oh goodness, poor Oliver is still most upset. No matter what Freddie makes fly or all the sparks he shows him or offers of taking him on the broom, he's still won't cheer up, poor thing. Sally's putting a brave face on it, but poor Oliver... I suppose someone will be reading dinosaur themed bed time stories for quite a while.

On the other hand, Jemima won't stop giggling.

The usual pointless rubbish in The 'Mail and nothing to worry about in The Independent; with that and Sally campaigning in Glasgow for a few days, it appears that, at last, I can have a nice relaxing end to the week with the children. Magnificent!

The Mail is back to hating me, the boys are causing senseless destruction... it seems like everything is back to normal at last.

I come back from taking Freddie out for his first lesson and what do I find? Jemima, surrounded by Oliver's toys and the contents of the doll house resembling some sort of Disney-themed horror film.

I'm just going to pretend it's Sally playing a joke and leave it at that.